This column is about Scouters helping Scouters deliver their unit program activities safely together. Everyone wants to take risks have adventure and fun, doing it safely makes it possible for everyone to keep having more adventure and fun. Let’s learn from each other!
Let’s face it, being an adult in Scouting can be tough. As adults, we make the program the Scouts plan and execute…possible. That’s no small feat! Optimally, it is a team of adults that are working for the youth as no one can do these hard tasks by themselves. Inevitably, disagreements and conflicts happen. Sometimes full arguments erupt. And, unfortunately, that may lead to a physical conflict. Through that whole spectrum, youth Scouts may witness it.
Safety is meant for all in Scouting regardless of age. Right now, interpersonal conflicts between adults is the #1 safety related report received at Alamo Area Council. How can we be our best when we are working for Scouts? How can we set the example for youth to follow? When there is a conflict or disagreement, how do we manage it, make it productive and safe for all? How can we say YES to adventure, fun, safety and teamwork in Scouting as adults?
In this column, I am interviewing Dr. Ed Wilks, PsyD. He is a Scouter and Psychologist with many years of experience. He offered time from his busy schedule and presented many pearls of wisdom on this topic.
Erwin Gines: Greetings Dr. Wilks! Thank you for talking about how to best manage relationships and behaviors between adults in the Scouting setting. Before we dive into this topic, please tell us a little about yourself. You have many years of experience in Scouting and you are a Psychologist.
Dr. Wilks: Thank you. I started as a Scout Dad when my oldest son was in Cub Scouts. We were in the same chartered organization the whole journey in Pack 18 and Troop 18 in Boerne. In our unit, I served as a pack Committee Chair, Cubmaster and later a Scoutmaster on 3 separate occasions. Two of those times as Scoutmaster were to step in when the current Scoutmaster quit because of unresolved problems, so twice, I stepped into a scenario to resolve conflict in our unit.
Beyond our local unit, I have served on various Wood Badge courses as Troop Guide, Scribe, Senior Patrol Leader, Assistant Scoutmaster, and finally Wood Badge Course Director for SR-924 in 2008.
In my day job, I’m a Psychologist working with middle and high school students and their families on a military base.
Erwin Gines: Thank you sir! Teams of adults play an integral role in delivering Scouting to youth. How can adults best personally prepare to bring their best selves when doing Scouting activities? How is sleep, nutrition, physical and mental health, and training a part of that preparation?
Dr. Wilks: In all things, of course, be prepared and “keep your mules well fed.” Finding and maintaining a good balance of giving and receiving is something that we need to learn, especially when we get out of balance, noticing that we’re approaching burnout. All of health is about balance, whether it’s your weight, your temperature, your blood pressure, your sleep and wake cycle; health is balance and balance is health.
When asked to give some sage advice to new Scoutmasters I like to say, “Never miss an opportunity to sit down.” On one level, this is because you’ll never match the energy and the stamina of these young folks so you’ve got to pace yourself. On another level, sitting down allows someone else to stand up, whether that’s someone in your adult leadership or your Senior Patrol Leader, allowing him to take wear the mantle of leadership as Baden-Powell instructed. Sitting down might give you the time and presence of mind to figure something out that being active doesn’t afford you. Sitting down with a Scout doing a Scoutmaster conference was one of my all-time favorite things to do.
Erwin Gines: What kind of pre-existing stressors can adults have when they performing Scouting activities? Are there some they might not be aware of? Do you have any tips for Scouters to help identify them for themselves and/or among one another?
Dr. Wilks: One of the issues that brings the possibility of conflict is how to share control. We may be planning a camp out menu and or deciding how to sell popcorn. We’re all sharing our ideas to come up with a collaborative plan of action. Delegating and sharing control is one of the arts of leadership that Scouting teaches. I’ll never forget when I was Wood Badge course director, my very capable Assistant Scoutmaster of facilities said to my face, “Ed, let me do my job or fire me, but don’t micromanage me.” I really needed to hear that because in my anxiety, I was trying to think of everything and talk to him about all the details. He let me know in no uncertain terms that he had it in hand. Feedback really is a gift. I love that moment because it showed me when to sit down.
As a parent of the Scout, it’s a huge job to yield your parenting role and allow the Scout program to guide, teach and mentor your young person beyond what you can do. Sometimes, that brings conflict and hurt feelings. You can tell who the helicopter parents are at a camp out. The Scout seeks out his parent rather than the Patrol Leader to solve a problem, and the parent tries to get too involved with the process, rather than staying with the Scoutmaster Corps and allowing the Scouts to work it out among themselves. We have a lot invested in these youth and it really stretches our hearts to share control and allow them to fail and learn through experience.
Erwin Gines: For some Scouters, the activity they engage may be new and/or perhaps uncomfortable for them. It may be a first time for: camping, boating, working on a fundraising project, public speaking, etc. Do you have any advice on how the Scouter and the rest of the team can best approach this?
Dr. Wilks: Yes. I was on a Powder Horn Course and there was a participant who was very fearful of climbing and rappelling. She acknowledged this beforehand. Well, of all participants, she was the one who inverted while on the wall. The climb instructor was able to talk her through to successfully finish the task. First, to her credit, she faced the task and her fears. Second, the instructor delivered clear, calm, confident and precise information to her. It isn’t just what he said, it is how he said it. Third, she developed a newfound relationship on how to best approach daunting tasks and how to help someone through it.
On a Wood Badge Course, I recruited Troop Guides, some of whom were new to patrol leadership and daunted by some of the participants who were challenging. One of participants brought a somewhat rigid attitude, having attended an older version of Wood Badge and was rather critical of the Troop Guide’s performance, so the Troop Guide came to me for advice. I told her to use the Patrol Method, provide feedback and not worry about his attitude. At end of course, she said to me that it turned out ok and that, “He didn’t give me my Scout Spirit and I wasn’t about to let him take it away!” I loved her for her for that and how she demonstrated perseverance doing something way outside of her comfort zone.
Erwin Gines: To make Scouting happen successfully, the team of adults must work with each other. What advice do you have for them to communicate among each other?
Dr. Wilks: Listening is essential. Listen with the intent to understand. I didn’t make that up. That is from Stephen Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Successful People.” I understand the new Wood Badge course has a presentation on listening. That is great. A famous psychologist, Carl Rogers, had a way of giving active listening feedback to say, “What I hear you saying is this…” When you see the relief on a person’s face and the realization of feeling heard and understood, most of the work has been done.
Feedback is a gift as we say in Wood Badge. It is so important to thank somebody for feedback even if it has unpleasant notes. Thanking someone for feedback is to value the intent of the person, even if you did not experience positive intent, you attribute that they had positive intentions. This way you can work to knowing the nuggets of truth that will make the most difference to them. And you also express the value of their membership on the team.
Being a gracious receiver of the gift of feedback takes insight and humility. Waiting a few moments before you respond is helpful. Your instinct might be immediately defensive or provide a counterattack. Instead, take a deep breath and compose a gentle answer that “turns away wrath” as it is says in the Bible. If you can do that, you are wiser and better. You can work toward a common ideal that aligns with a good intention that person brings.
Erwin Gines: Conflicts and disagreements do arise among adults during Scouting activities. What do you recommend to adults who find themselves in that kind of situations?
Dr Wilks: Be self-aware on how you are reacting. Be aware of what your triggers are. Example: If your trigger is an angry, abusive stepfather then you may not react well to someone yelling in your face.
Take a deep breath and say to yourself that you are adult, I have my “adult person pants on” I am going to use my words and I am going to put that “child person” part of myself behind me so I can best put my Scouting Values forward when I respond to this situation.
Talk slower. A technique that works well is keeping a calm tone and talk slower. Even if you don’t what to say, you will say less things that are harmful. It also gives you more time to think about what to say and it might slow the tempo of the interaction. It might give them the time to think about the words they are using.
Focus on what is important. In Scouting, the reason why we are here are the Scouts: building their character, citizenship, leadership and fitness.
Erwin Gines: What kind of impact does adult Scouter behavior have on the youth Scouts?
Dr Wilks: Adult Scouters are role models. The youth Scouts can figure out dissention among the adults. They may not see everything but Scouts will pick up Scout Spirit where it is and where it is not.
I recall an event on a weekend campout where a youth was mean to another Scout which made the second youth cry and want to go home. When the first youth was approached by the Scoutmaster, the Scout said “I don’t like him, I don’t like him.” The Scoutmaster said, “You don’t have to like him, but you must be kind…A Scout is Kind.” That Scoutmaster was a model for how to treat people. Anchoring on our values is so important.
Erwin Gines: In your experience, has a conflict, argument, loss of self-control among adult Scouters resulted in harm or near harm of a youth or adult? If so, how (generally – no identifying information)?
Dr. Wilks: We almost had a fist fight at a Pinewood Derby, among a couple of dads. Never had so much ego and desire been riding on such small plastic wheels! They were losing their personal boundaries because their child’s car didn’t win or something. We had to pull them aside and refocus. We said, “You know what? It so beautiful to see dads and their sons come together, work on a project and enjoy this exciting event. What do you want them to take away from this experience? What do you want them to learn? What’s the point of this whole thing?” They calmed down very well in this moment of clarity. I’ve witnessed a Scoutmaster, in the midst of a conflict, just raise his right hand and lead the whole troop in the 12 points of the Scout Law. That cleared the air like nothing else could.
Erwin Gines: You have mentioned a few techniques already. In your experience, what tools are effective to prevent a “boiling point” in arguments or a avert complete loss of self-control where harm might be imminent?
Dr. Wilks: Get away a little and establish a safe distance. Perhaps get a mediator. It is so important to listen to understand. In the discussion, ask if we are solution focused. Or are we going to talk more about the problem? Are we going to escalate and blame? Can we describe the situation without any spin or hyperbole? Stay behavior focused; convey how a behavior made you feel.
It is about achieving understanding between each other; once that is achieved, then a change can be proposed. In a solution focus, ask what can we do get to better? Focus on what can be different and better, not whose right or wrong.
It is like untying a big, gnarly knot in a rope. I like to hand over a knot to folks and ask them to untie it. Most people know how to untie it. I ask them how they did it. They’ll invariably say to find that first loop and loosen it, and it will loosen another which in-turn results in an untied knot. This is exactly what we can do with this tangled-up misunderstanding. What is the one thing we can both agree on? That is the one that will move first and then make everything else move easier. This should be a Scout Game, I will take credit for it [laughs].
Erwin Gines: The Wood Badge course is built in part with inter-linked presentations and exercises to help individuals work with others and build teams. In your opinion, what value does Wood Badge have for adult leaders in relationship to the topic of managing relationships and adult behaviors in the Scouting setting?
Dr Wilks: The Wood Badge Course has so much to teach about forming teams and how to manage relationships. It helped me so much on transitioning programs from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts, establishing a mission and vision, goals, a common understanding, values, etc. It helps focus in on our “Why” – the reason we do Scouting – the youth.
I was a therapist before I did the Wood Badge Course and I was very impressed with what they taught. I always recommend the course for all adult Scouters.
Erwin Gines: Is there any other advice you would like to offer our Scouters? Any other resources?
Dr. Wilks: Have fun. Our beloved leader, BP, was a man of deep wisdom and a jolly spirit. He knew that the best legacy is to love others as yourself. That never gets old.
To parents of Scouts, remember not to miss your child’s childhood. You only have so many weekends and they’ll be gone. Camp with your kid. You won’t regret it.
Erwin Gines: Sir, was a pleasure to speak with you today. Thank you for being so gracious with your time and offering a wealth of advice for other Scouters.
Dr Wilks: Thank you very much Erwin.
At the time of writing this column, a presentation from Scouting Magazine #Troop Talk Live steam on the topic of BSA Clothing Guidelines (link- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48ZP_zxvBjg). Please watch it as it is worth digesting.
In the discussion, they discuss the debate and potential conflict regarding uniform wear. They further discuss how the policy, coupled with emphasis of kindness and friendliness of the Scout Law, is another means of preventing conflict. Policies and guidelines are essential handrails in the Scouting program. They may also serve as a means of conflict resolution. Nonetheless, policies and guidelines are always much stronger when always coupled with a practice of our Scouting Values.
The Wood Badge Course is mentioned frequently in this interview. This leadership course is one of the richest sources of training for managing relationships in Scouting.
My thanks again for Dr. Wilks for his generous offering of time and wisdom and thanks to all for taking the time read this column.
Fun – Adventure – Safety – Teamwork
Resources:
Wood Badge Alamo Area Council Link: https://www.alamoareascouting.org/upcoming-training-events/wood-badge-training/
Scouting America SAFE Checklist Link: https://www.scouting.org/health-and-safety/safe/
Scouting America Safety Resource Page: https://www.scouting.org/health-and-safety/resources-forms/
Scouter Code of Conduct Link: https://filestore.scouting.org/filestore/healthsafety/pdf/scouter_code_of_conduct.pdf
Article written and provided by Engines Gines
